Sunday, July 16, 2017

Dreams

When you are a little kid you are told that dream, that your dreams can come true. And while I can't say that the is a total lie, they don't tell you that most of your dreams will whither away into nothing or haunt you everyday.

There are man dreams that I know I have had that have just went along the way side, many of these are because there were nothing I could do or had the skills to do. Such as being a professional baseball player. While I was good at it, I just wasn't good enough. Well that could be said for many things in life, really never stopped me from trying though.

Then there are the dream that no matter what you do you can't shake them. Whether they be loves you are lost and so desperately wish that you hadn't or the dreams that you thought you could have fulfilled if only you had made a different choice. Hmm, guess that these could be one in the same sometimes. There are many unfulfilled dreams of mine where I look back and say WTF, why didn't you say or do this, why weren't you just a little more patient.

While I have always said that I don't really regret anything in my life there are things that I think I could have done differently. Would they have changed the outcome? That is a good question, one that I will never know the answer to, one that only fate will ever know. I suppose if I knew that the answer than I would have regrets; probably best I don't know.

Sometimes your dreams are for the one's you love. Those are the hardest dreams to make come true and the ones that can hurt the most. Even worst when a nightmare you had about someone you love comes true. These are the hardest dreams/nightmares to get over and to forget. You always want better the one's you love, and when you can help them achieve that it makes the hurt even harder to accept.

Dreams are the things that keep us going sometimes, I would never say don't dream. Just wish someone would have told me that dreams can hurt sometimes, and sometimes long after the dream has passed.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Trails of T1D

So my daughter started on her insulin pump a few weeks ago, it has been a learning experience. Most everything that we had learned in the 3 years since DX is out the window and we are learning new protocols, new routines, and new struggles.

While I believe in the long run that the pump will help Dakota with he some of the frustrations of living with diabetes, I also know that it rough and 12 year young lady that just wants to be normal. That wants to go do stuff like swimming and not have to think about how long she has been disconnected from something. That isn't subconscious of getting her finger poke and a shot given to her in at a table in a restaurant, or with the change to the pump a tube hanging from her side.

I can only imagine what she feels, at her age I was worrying the next baseball game, the next soccer game, or who was coming over to go swimming. Even in school I was never one that cared what people thought of me or cared if they thought I was weird. If they liked me for who was than great, if not than screw them. Sadly none of my kids really got that trait from me, my oldest is close but she still cares. But I did have friends that had those issues, some of them from my ballet days. But I still can only imagine how she feels.

I know that she feel isolated right now, school is out, we just moved and because of the change to the pump and her moms schedule she has spent most of the summer with me. Hell he mom wont change her pump cause she is scared to it causes her to have to be stuck at my house even more.

I don't mind her being her, but with some of the problems we are having with the pump and the many night I only get a few hours sleep, and a crazy work schedule (made worst by the fact I am taking a small vacation so I can watch her at basketball camp) when I get home I am to tired to do anything. Its not fair to her. Hell while I know her mom loves her it starting to fell that she is limiting her time with her so she doesn't have to deal with it.

I am in  better spot than most people, I do have a support system that can watch after her at time. My mom take the brunt of that, she watchers her almost everyday. My girlfriend does as much as she can, and would do more if her schedule would allow. Though at time her personality doesn't empathize with my daughter, or anyone for that matter (that is a whole post in itself :) ). Nothing wrong with it, she is who she is, but when dealing with a 12 year pubescent I don't want to always deal with the fallout.

In the end all I have d it be there for Dakota, hope that I can help her navigate this horrible disease and this thing call life. I can also just hope that I can once in awhile get a decent night sleep.