So everyone has heard the phrase "Alone in a Room Full of People"....Right?? What about when that the feeling that you have with your entire life?
I have always been a person that got along with everyone, but I have only had a very few people that I would call a BFF, and can count on one hand the number of people that I trust. Most of those people have left, to be fair couple of those are not exactly their fault. Can blame someone if they pass away, its not like the really had a choice in the matter. I have had one that was also my what I would call the closest friend I had that just up and left. Moved to another city and become homeless and lost contact, out of all the friends I have lost this is the one that hurt the most. In part because I was not enough to help him with his demons.
However, for most of my life I have relied on myself. Not always he best decision but the what i have done. During that time to those other "friends" in my life I was always there. When they needed a shoulder to cry on, when they needed a ride, and even when they needed money and I could help. But my lack of trust in people never let people to get close enough to see! But I am usually the person who knows everybody's secrets, but i never tell. My lack of judging people helps greatly in making people comfortable with me.
I have many theories as to why I am the way I am, I think there is a little truth in all of them. Whether it be I just don't trust, that my ADHD and lack of focus, whether it be something seriously wrong with me (though not is a serial killer way ;) ). Hell it could be that my varied and random interest cause people not to get me. Which I think very few people do, especially the ones that say they do. These day no one knows what exactly goes on in my head, they just don't verbalize everything. Heck these days I say very little at all, and since I rarely really do anything other than go to eat and shopping when needed no one has the chance to know. But at the end of the day I have to ask WHY?
I find myself or find my thoughts wondering these days. There is so little focus, so little that holds my interest that I know something is wrong and I have not idea how to fix it. Maybe its the lack of sleep from taking care of youngest that is a Type One Diabetic, maybe is to much stress, maybe I hate my lot in life. But something feels off with life!
This scares me! Even at my worst in life I have always been able to identify that which was causing the issues in life, even when it was me. I would than find away to correct it. Right now I am not sure and I am not sure that there is a cause that I can truly fix, hell if it is my Daugther it's not like I would or could say hey your on your.....good luck!! That is not an option, EVER!
The feeling alone on the world when you know you aren't is a tough thing. I know I have people around me, I know there are people there for me. But I don't feel they can help me. But at this point I am not sure I can rely on myself alone. Crappy dilemma to be in, but the one I am never the less.
But I will work through it, will a burn some bridges? Will a hurt some feelings? Will I end up actually alone? Only time will tell.